Our boys

In two weeks time I will have been married to my amazing husband for a year. He’s my soulmate and every day I’m grateful that we found each other.

In six weeks time it will mark one year since our beautiful identical twin boys Pip & Joseph were born at five months, asleep.

I woke this morning feeling a kind of peace; it’s the first morning where its really felt like Autumn…all dewey and chilly…the season has changed. Yet alongside this peace was a deep feeling of loss, of longing for our boys who would have been just over six months old. The house felt so quiet this morning, which is a blessing, but I said to my husband it was supposed to be filled with the sounds of our family and it’s not.

The tears fell this morning. Before work I drove to a favourite quiet countryside spot, a short drive from home. I sat and soaked up the cool breeze, the sun, the birds flying over head and the ever changing cloud formations.

I recently shared The Guesthouse by Rumi with someone going through their own very personal grief. Today I’m reminded of the words myself. I’m not running away – I’m sitting with the feelings that are ‘visiting’ today and letting them in, because they will pass… that’s what they do. They change and return in a different way…a new feeling, an insight will visit in time.

I used to come to the beautiful spot I’m sat writing this, when I was pregnant and talk to the boys and tell them we’d bring them here when they were born. My heart aches to think that we never will.

When we were in Switzerland recently we visited a hiking shop and I spotted some tiny walking boots and again my heart ached.

Today, I just wanted to share this to remember our boys as I never want them to be forgotten and I think sharing helps.

Here is the beautiful poem ‘The Guesthouse’ by Rumi that I take comfort from and hope will help others too when they find themselves in a painful place in their lives.

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.